the nature ... our God...this is how I want to live,,,the only thing world has to be...this is beauty, this is peace...

that´s the wy I want to see my world...with out separation, and color difference...just like my cats,,,they love each other they are really manifesting LIFe as one and equal with all beings...

anger

I´m not gonna feed this problem anymore, talking about my office all the time I have more importnt stuff to write here, like me being my self and finding me inside this shit I created towards me, but how I can fight with someone who don´t want to change and with this person In my life I feel like all the effort I am doing to really stop the sistems and mi mind with in me, is not working and is not gonna work...because she is very negative and she is ruinning my life too...

I´m helping financially here at home, I pay most of the bills it has to be payed and I have no money at the end of month...I´m always getting mad at my mom, because I can´t have the strenght to do this anymore...I need help...

I don´t want all the money for myself but I see what my friends do with the money they had....many of my friends don´t work...and his life style is supported by their rich parents....I don´t wanna be angy about this situation....I have always thougth that those person where just materialistic beings and empty too, and I´m turning to one of that beings just by wanting that life style for me too.... I have 25 years and I haven´t lived all the same situations that I have seen as in my friends or family, i just see them going every weekend to the beach or to another country, or having boyfriend or having a more interesting life, more friends to hang on to...and in the beginning was all right, I really knew what I wanted, and this didn´t make a difference in my world I give a damm about others situations,,,not wanted just a programed life, i don´t wanted to be the same; to born, to grow up, to study a career, to marry, to have family, and then die... I wanted to get rid of rules, do what I wanted to do, as my thoughts and emotions about life, not to be stucked within a person or a relation the same as my friends have... and anybody were the "special" one I am still looking for, some one "different" from the rest, just like me, not like the people I see on streets alwAYS the same....boring relationships, and ridicule,,,too.

In the past days all my world was fine, I kenw what I wanted to do with my life,, and I knew myself more than this last years,I felt I was self-directioning me, but then the problem started, we loose our beloved house, our perfect portrait, a big house, money and friends,,,weekend parties and always the house was noisy and full of joy....but then my mom lost her job and we went "down" on everything...so we moved into an another house,,,but the money problems were more WORSE AND DIFFICULT, and I go out ot school , my career GRAPHIC DESIGN, I though that I didn´t needed to study that because I knew how to draw and I was creativity, and I started to work to help my mom, and being more responsable with this, i felt It to be an opportunity for me...but It wasn´t, I started to loose myself in this world, I started to stay more in my house than going out with my friends, I was so ashamed because I never had enough money to go to malls and parties anymore so I started to LOCK in my house and even no answer telephone calls... THen I found the white light, (hahahah) and it helped a lot, they helped me and my mom to believe that we were not that money desire,,,,but the situation didn´t changed but we stucked into it, because there was not anymore to do...just having faith in GOD, and angels and stuff...even in died relatives that usually gave messages to my mom through a psychic....but the money situation was the same...and my mom changes, yes, she did, but in the wrong way,,,,she is more angry,,,,,

I know is the world fault, my mom can´t find a job ´cause she is old and everybody wants a teenager to work in the same stuff my mom used to work at. And all day my mom is blamming herself for loosing our house at a "rich suburb", and she is always angry about money...all the day is angry!!!! And firstly I supporting her on saying usefull words, for making her feeling more happy.... but in these days she don´t want to hear a word, thnking that nothing is gonna change and that this world sucks!!........... Even this information, that I want to share with her.

and well, today I am angry and I cant stand it...that´s why I writing it in here,,, I don´t know maybe I must have writed this in my note book just 4 myself,and not to be read ir by anyone, but so what?.... I did it,,

Maybe I am still a sistem and a huge one, and my mind is winning!! Is hard to me to fight it, if I didn´t had this money problem, maybe it would be better,,,, I wasn´t afraid of money before, Im fearing it just for my mom, I´m helping her feeding this demons she has,,,and I feel is not my responsability....ahhhh!! I just wanna scream and sleep and never wake up again...and forget again all what I know about, metaphysics, mayans, the white light, desteni.....

My friends dont´know about this and they are more happy, just going and messing with all the world and being one with the sistems,,,,and they are happy and just not pre-occupying themselfs with this...I am the one in my "world" that is aware of this and I just want to be like them,,,, sleep again,,,, well I always knew,, since I was little that something here was wrong, since I remember I was always searching,,,not being "fine" with the information the school, and family, religion and society tells me....I was just pushing and pushing to hear and know more and more..... and I have asked to my friends if they do that in some part of their lives, and they just see me as a weird person, with that look in their faces like ?????-----I used to like that but not now!!

Mmm and know what, I feel empty now, writing all these with anger and now I just don´t even wanna do SF,,,,,I´m just fed up,,,,my mind is like processing all the information, and not only my mind, I know she is the enemy, but ME, I just want to sleep and forget....And with this anger I have,,, I feel my eyes are sick, they are very strange this days, and is not fault of my computer, and I am affraid of them...i don´t want it to be shut down...and this is my fault I know beacuse I have allowed fear in my life,,,I am fear...

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well I know I have to to this now, or another day but I have to....so I´ll start.... mmm

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to be fed up, and to be my feeling of not wanting to do self forgiveness...

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to be angry about my life and to blame others for having the life I wanna have...

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting me to define myself within a house or by having or not having money

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself for get angry when I help my mom with all the bills she has to pay.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING AND ACCEPTING myself to hate my mom, or to hate my life just because I have no money to enjoy....

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing myself to want to sleep all day to evade this life I have, and for accepting myself to be dis-honest with me, pretending I´m fine with this life, just because I have to be the good daughter,and the saviour here in my house...

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to fear the future, if I have no money now in my life----

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to be sad about others situation feeling that mhy life is boring or stupid

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to fear this world and the people in it, and to hide myself in my room from a telephone call.

I FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to feel insecure and shy and to be unhappy with this life I have to leave

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR allowing and accepting myself to be angry about everybodys oppinions of me.

I JUST FORGIVE MYSELF for allowing and accepting myself to create and have created this life, since the opinions and pictures and feelings of what my life has to be, and to not have noticed that I´m not the money, the society, my friends,,, I forgive myself

I´m here in every breath, I am equal as one with my breath, I am joy, I am LIFE

another perspective

Today at mi work were a course of Anagrams, and the 9 personalities in us...

I was hearing and participating... but I realized that we are not a classification in life...Everybody classifies,on how you act, in how you dress, in how you act...And well I don´t wanna be that anymore

Maybe the stuff I´m suffering,,,is my reflection on how I think about me .. ´cause is hard to accept it but..all the time I am inmerse in my mind...thinking and worring about how the WORLD sees me..and How I see me don´t mind...always criticizing me... and I do that ..all the time,,I am following myself in every moment,,,thinking that my movement was horrible or ridicule...I have to STOP that!!

I have to accept me the way I am... not by the way others accept me!! I´m LIFE now I get it...And the life contains everything with out polarities, JUSTthe Breath,,,,

hehehe... well I am searching for myself fondly and when I think I foun myself the more lost I am... hehehe...I see something that I think is ME and I realise that was a programed situation within me!! UFF

I´m enjoying it Really ,,,,I want to see I want to meet me I want to perceive me as who I am... And is hard but I´m loosing the stuff I BeLIEve I was---- But at the same time is reconforting!!!

the beginning

Since the last month... I was navigating throuhg the net, watching YOUtube videos about Sailor Moon my favourite cartoon as a child...and then I started to search about Kryon, I started watching one but I felt unconfortable listening to the chanels voice so I Quit the page, an I saw the Desteni Vid about Kron and The indigo children and I downloaded to my Pc to watch it again and again to fully understand it..There began my obsession ´cause I wanted to really understand that message...

I Really didnt get crazy when I realize about Desteni Truth, in some way I was looking for that answers and in some way it seems very logical for me....

In that days I finished assisting to some Light Reunions, we meditated and sended Love and Light to the world, I wanted to stop that lie, I felt it was that because of some extrange behavior with me and my mom ( and other people ) entering there, we felt really good, but we get aware of some reactions and strange looking and thinks they talk.... in the last days I went alone I really wanted to be part of that stuff...There were a lot of Phiquics and all of them chanelled and saw information of Angels and Masters... and someone at the end of the gathering started to share the "light Gifts " the beings gave us....It was really great and awsome...
But inner me was starting to criticise some stuff, like the Teacher was an elected one to guide us, for protect this world, and sometimes the others chanelled information of Jesus or Virgin Mary, inside of me felt extrange, happy but extrange.... I was wondering How this people, having that behavior were able to comunicate with angels and stuff!!! I was assiting 3 years ago to other meditations and they were very kind and really manifested the message they were passing...PEACE...you were really hugged when you entered there and well in this other gatherins I felt like I was not welcome!!!

But now I realiza that well maybe in someway they were my mirror, but I´m not like that with anyone,,, But it doesn´t matter i apply already self fotgiveness...
hahaha well that´s all 4 now